Where is my ambience?

Let me forget for a moment that I actually don’t feel depressed about various happenings.

Why are certain people warming to me, yet the people I’d like to actually notice I exist don’t. I am very subtle with my interaction, never forging anything until I get the ok. This I think will be like a merry go round.

I sat on a swing taking my limits to the sky. Hoping to just reach out and grab the moon, in a hope it would shed some light. But to and throw I was subjected. Without aim and without failure. Walking curiously to a merry go round and setting down my fears until my emotions became giddy.

Last week on a very humble and tepid Sunday afternoon, I dinned at my brother and sister in laws home. It was a very faithful evening spent drinking, sharing delicate tastes and swapping conversations. But for the first time in my life I really felt jealous. I had all this just 6 months ago. A home, a living space, bathroom that I cleaned and a kitchen that I cooked the best pasta. But it’s all gone. And one person took that away. The one person I believed in more than anyone else.

I walk into an empty room. My belongings are outside blowing in the wind. Each space is no longer occupied with my beautiful things. I can’t hear the laughter anymore, only the pain. I leave my heart by the door and my confidence sits outside the window. They are waiting. BUT I WILL NEVER RETURN...

Dreaming the fairytale

The girl awoke with feverish fingers

Was she playing with her nightmares again?

Every night the same old story

No fairytale in sight.

But one subdued morning

She waded out into the world.

And stubbled upon a glistening head piece

A sparkling crown made of the purest stones.

Her heart leapt in spasms of happy

Clutching it close to her warmth.

That night she slept with her encrusted attire

Sinking deep into the night.

And when she awoke in her reverie

No longer was she all alone.

Unicorns demure and graceful

And Technicolor skies.

Robed in a dress a flourish of silk

In her reflection not a monster in sight.

But when she woke from the deepest slumber

Her crown was nowhere to be seen.

For as she lay there sleeping

It fell many miles to the floor.

And now as her eyes are prizing open

She will know it was not the crown

But her belief that wrote her fairytale.

Thoughts

If I can’t feel you anymore

Those delicate brushes with skin.

Or hear your genius mind

Wildly challenging my ears.

Without those moments of laughter

The belly aches that felt so good.

And amidst the times you loved me

For being me and just myself.

Hands that held like glue

With warm and honest fingers.

Dreams we both possessed

For much a greater meaning.

Moments forged with sublime breath

That tickle before a kiss.

Something that could have lasted eons

Sadly now has given way.

I’ll remember every inch of happiness

For I know that why it lasted it felt so good.

Baby steps... baby breaths,

I have taken too seriously thinking about taking my writing a lot more serious. I have for many years had this ambition to write something of substance. But I am constantly finding obstacles. But I wonder sometimes if my stepping stones are merely just excuses. And I have to just find my head and simply kick it into action.

My theory for the last few months has been to set myself little happy moments of feelings of niceness. I mean that I set myself up for something which I know will please me. Anything from buying a new CD or book, to buying a Latte or going to see Bat for lashes in a few weeks. I am trying to surround myself with new memories that I am able to control. I am scared of not being in control of what may be happening to me. I have in the past been very happy with a spontanious life. But of late I can’t hack it. So I please myself with these little treats. Anything that gives me a happy chill. Take for instance my new grey trousers I bought last week. I love them, teamed up with my black boots and a long sleeve black top I feel great. I have not felt like that for ages. My insecurities were raging. But I am now shifting in smiles with making myself feel good inside and out.

Saturday I will check out the new Darwin centre at the Science museum (wearing my new trousers, hahha).

Baby steps... baby breaths,

Holding My Own

My ambitions have always been very short lived. I have loads of ideas that come and go, and I am forever wondering what I would really like to do. This may be my trait. I can’t focus on something for a vast period of time. I do try and give it my all, but I am certain to lose faith and struggle to connect. Studying at school was for me a low point, as I imagine many will agree. But you see that for me it was just a barrage of knock downs and insecurities impounding. So to cut a very delicate long story short, I am unable to put any real level of passion into various obstacles. Like work for instance. I may not be pulling in the £s But I am certainly living. I am working very hard and putting skills that others would dribble over to good use. And I am able to live a generous life. I would rather a topman suit than a Gucci, and a pizza express over an overpriced, tiny morsel restaurant.

This for me is about living for me and not others. I tried the living for others and it sucks the life out of you. You see that I was not entirely honest when stating that I have never put much thought into something, I have..... Someone to be precise. This was the one time that all my efforts and studying came to affect. I worked my fingers down to the gristle.... and for what.

But this is a really valuable lesson for me. I have since taken a maths course and passed. Taken up the guitar with a steady progress. I am enlightening my creative and artistic hunger with museums and galleries. It seems that I am learning more when I am doing it for myself. Because I know that I will appreciate everything I do from now on.

This wonder has been spent.

With a liquid mind swimming

To learn new points of interest

Is to take away the lack of.

POeMs 10-09

A Beauty To Watch Over

I watch you from afar,
As light enhances you from above,
I tremble from deep within,
At the beauty you have been blessed with,
Your eyes are a portrait of splendour,
My heart refuses to falter,
I lay silent tasting every breath you take,
And shudder at every movement you make,
And every night when we are apart,
I still watch you from afar,
Sinking deeper into the torment,
Of not having you here to share in my mornings,
Yet my love I could never want another,
As much as the beauty I watch over.

*

Will I Wonder Any More?

I can't even try to...
When I'm alone
Everythings just like you
I'm so afraid
To be here grieving
For someone who left
Without even loving
I better off leaving
I am a passenger
on another journey
Simply lost but still breathing

How far have i come?
Walk a mile just to walk too far
How much should I take of this?
An immortal kiss from feeling anything.

I wanted just to say
I'll live to smile again
Wandered out of view
only to pass by you
Withering like a flower
Once bright with love and colour.

*

Harlequinade

I know this has all been staged, I am just another actor in one of your pantomimes, You use props as obstacles, In order to prolong your spectacle, So what role am I actually playing? Well let me guess, I am performing several soul drained characters, There is the one who takes himself apart, And still can't work out why he feels so much hurt, The one who longs to be released from all the pain, Even to the point he is wiling to spoil himself, Lets not forget the one who climbs in and outside of himself, Unable to live in the vicinity of his own nightmares, How about letting me rewrite this piece, I'll perform just one act, And play a hundred roles, Ninety nine if them will be the rotting corpses, And the one left will use them as his many emotions, Now I bet that freaks you out, The fact that I have have found a way to separate myself...

Going Under...?

I have been thinking seriously about seeing someone of stature that may be able to address my current outlet of being highly strung and very inconsistent with feeling happy. I have always tried to put this off, this politely is just a result of not wanting someone to tell me that they know what’s going on in my head. But I am in a constant numbness and feel that I may have to reach out. I have friends, one good one in particular, but many who have taken me for granted and left me actually feeling very subdued. I want to feel alive... Not this current abandonment.

I am still yet to understand why I continue to take others feelings into consideration, even when I don’t really know them. I am just showing my warmth of personality. Please don’t take away the one thing I might have going for me. I don’t want much in return. Just the same attention I offer. When in doubt......I should run and hide, yet I stay and become increasingly ill mannered with the segregation. Maybe I do need to seek some reliance and advice. Maybe I should give in and admit I have a problem and start to take heed on others recommendations. As Marillion once said I’m going under.